Monday, May 25, 2009

Keep Moving

Does it ever feel hard to keep moving? For me it is a feeling life has handed me many times.A good illustration would be the image of a building destroyed by fire. Hard times when you can't imagine picking yourself up and brushing off the ashes and moving on. When the heart feels so much pain and you realize the truth of what Heaven really means: no more heart ache, no more dealing with my sins, no more feeling the pain of a loved ones sin, and finally getting to dwell side by side with God, no more barriers between us.

I am finally able to breath again! The terrible feeling of drowning has slowly been taken away from me. It has been years since I have gone through such a hard time. I felt my heart breaking inside me, and the pain was just as physical as it was emotional. I could not sleep, I could not eat. I had no comfort.

At last I pulled myself from bed and went to my Bible. I held it close to my heart, I clung to it as if it were God himself. I held His word, words of comfort, love, wisdom, and warnings of trails. I knew I was holding written promises that I, being a child of God, would be taken care of. That no matter what My father LOVES me. Even in that moment, broken as I was; He also felt the hurt and the pain and the lose, He was with me, and I would be able to keep moving.

As I held my Bible to my heart and lay down in my bed I felt comfort. Warm and tender like a hug from a friend, with my Bible I slowly relaxed and gave my worries over to God, and at last I fell asleep.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Reaching Out!

It's been a good two weeks since I have been able to travel back home, this has been hard for my family and myself. School work and other promises have kept me from being able to.

Last weekend I stayed in "Wakesvegas" to sing with some friends at a gig for the local Wake Forest Coffee Company. That was amazing! Yes I was scared, and so what if the lyrics I held as I sang were shaking! It was a blast. Coming out of my shell just a little bit more, learning to take things as they come, like messing up Feist "Mushaboom" so bad we kinda had to laugh our way through it (no way were we going to stop and try to "start over").

For a long time I felt like life was easier alone, this can be true. Relationships are hard! Being courageous enough to try to talk to a stranger and put yourself out there for rejection is enough to make me frantic! And just how do you find a way to "break the ice!?"

There are about a million ways I'm sure, but everyone of us has personal strengths we should rely on.

Some people are natural charmers, and I'm not talking about the guys with the one liners.
"Hey baby! Your feet gotta be hurtin! Cause you been running around my mind all day!"
This is cheese, not charm.

Some have such outgoing personalities when they enter a room they own it! They beam such confidence that every person in the room wants to talk to them.

But sadly not everyone can "own" a room of people. Some of us have to rely on good old fashion kindness! There is a girl in my dorm who I have shared maybe two words with in passing, but I knew if we would just find a reason to talk we would be friends! Luck would have it she locked her keys in her car, she came into the community kitchen to ask advice on how to get her keys. I knew how to "pop the lock" with a coat hanger. I went outside and helped her for a good hour or so laughing and making jokes back and worth, until i ran to get someone I knew would be able to do it. We got the car unlocked with the help of a friend, and then watched Hidalgo.

Now we hang out as much as we can, and enjoy just sitting and talking about everything! She even made soy milk and let me have some! So good!

Reaching out is really hard, even scary, but good healthy relationships are worth it.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Learning and Haircuts

These last few days have been really crazy for me. For some reason my pattern here at college is to get so freaked out that I'm behind that I hurry and rush to do my work that's due within an hour. Here is the kicker though, it's never due!

I kill myself to get a project or paper complete, I stay up till two reading the book that's due then get up at five to keep reading it. I rush to class in a panic because as hard and fast as I read it wasn't enough time the book just had too much information. I sit down in my usual seat and like the panic stir around in my stomach. I glance around the room expecting to see my peers with the same "deer in head lights" shock but instead I see smiles! "Am I the only one who forgot to do the reading!?" pops in my head and I instantly label myself the class dunce.

Now, with my new title of dunce in place, I just have to wait for the teacher to stroll in and pass out a paper that I would have to sign my own failure. The door opens and in walks the always mellow professor. He looks over his wire glasses and smiles welcome to the class.

Here it comes, here it comes! In seconds I will be near tears from defeat. The professor prays, I pray even harder, then the class begins. It's a great class, and there is no mention of the reading. Surely at the end of class he will have that paper waiting for us to sign before we are allowed to leave.

The class ends, and I ask a classmate about the book, I have a whole week more before it's due! I have lost so much sleep over this book, and its a great book, but I have nearly let this overcome me! "No more!" I declare in my mind! No more will I put things off, no more will I forget the task that are due, I will be better. And I will be better right after I finish this paper I'm behind on....

I have decided to take charge of my time. I need to be a better steward with my time.

First I need to make time for personnal time with God. This is a struggle for me while attend a Christain College, sadly I have began to feel like this is all I do, from class to chapel to D-group to church. My thinking is flawed, because I spend so much group time in the Bible I have now sent my perssonal time with Him out the door. I need time with Him, I know He will help me sort out the rest of my time... why do I put Him aside so easily!

On another note my roommate cut my hair and she did an amazing job! It has really helped me feel a bit better about everything. I know God made me a pretty girl, it's just nice that others notice it too some times.

Friday, March 6, 2009

Top Twenty Things I Miss While At College

20.) I miss the family room with satellite T.V. Which is funny because I don't watch much t.v. anymore, I would rather read. However not having the three t.v.'s where I can hold and control the remote has been very sad for me.

19.) The comfort of having a clean floor! Doesn't matter how hard, long, or endlessly I clean and sweep my thirty year old tile floor it will constantly be covered in dust and hair. . . This is a really hard thing for me since my favorite chair is the floor, not anymore. . . ew.

18.) A spotless bathroom. My bathroom in the dorm could be worse. Kaylen (my roommate) and I keep our side of the bathroom as clean as we can, but I don't want to take my time to clean someone else's personal mess. I even try to ignore the dirty dishes that are piled on one side of the counter.

17.) I miss having carpet! Sounds funny I know but it's amazingly true! I being a natural klutz do not like having to catch myself at least five times a day slipping around the tile that's slicker than ice.

16.) I miss the ability to be as obnoxious, loud, and purely insane as God made me to be! Having to pull back on how silly I am has been a challenge, any minute my roommate will walk in to find me doing a hand stand against the wall and singing the Gilmore Girls theme song. . . or worse.

15.) I miss the wing back chair in my parents room that sits perfectly in the corner by the long window. I miss reading there in the sunlight. I miss how quiet that corner is, even though its quiet I don't feel cut off instead I feel so relaxed I sometimes fall asleep with my book laying in my lap hand still holding the pages open.

14.) I miss working with my old youth group! When I was a teenager I hated them! After that awkward stage and now more sure of myself I love sitting and talking with young girls and listening to what they feel about themselves. I loved getting to tell them how normal it is to feel curtain ways, and I love encouraging them!

13.) I miss the sunsets I see around my home. There is something gorgeous about the skies here and though I'm only three hours away the difference is still there. The way the clouds here turn into a master piece of pinks fading to purples or yellows to blazing golds that stopped my heart and reminded me how much God loves me! Some reason I don't see skies like that in Wake forest (maybe I'm not looking).

12.) I miss walking around in puddles after the rain! When the rain stops and the sun comes back out I love to go outside barefoot and walk in the puddles on the sidewalk and in the streets!

11.) I miss my small group! I miss my group of friends that got together once a week to study the bible. I really enjoyed spending my Thursday nights with a group of such wonderful people.

10.) I miss working with Martha! I miss chatting at work with my dear friend Martha, she encouraged me constantly and I loved her! I look up to her so much and really miss talking about books, the work place, relationships, and men! (Though both of us were as single as a dollar bill) I miss how deep she pushed me to think about things, even to the edge of being uncomfortable.

9.) I miss working with one of my best friends Jennifer! I miss going to her office and playing with the jade turtle that sat on her desk while we talked nonstop! I miss her fun loving and goofy, yet always stylish presence. I miss drooling over shoes, guys, and hand bags with her!

8.) I miss my private bedroom. I miss not being about to shut the door and be alone. Its hard sharing a room again. The need for private space is something I have always had, I think its why I love to drive so much now, its all the privacy I can get.

7.) I miss my front porch. I love reading and napping on the rocking love seat on the front porch. I love the privacy the Japanese maple gives it, and how pretty it is after a fresh spring rain, with the drops of water slip off the red leaves its so calming.

6.) I miss helping my dad work on his motorcycle in his "man cave" I really loved spending time with my dad getting covered in grease and oil, and brake fluid while he worked on his BMW LT and now his BMW GT.

5.) I miss going on motorcycle rides with my dad! I think its the closest feeling I have got to flying, and I love it! Speeding down the road the wind in my hear and listening to Coldplay Clocks is the best!

4.) I miss laying in my parents king size bed at night and watching t.v. with my family, dog included.

3.) I miss church! I miss the great worship time we have, and listening to my father preach. I miss the wonderful people from my church, people I love very much and people I thank God for.
2.) I miss my doggy Rascal! He is my little buddy who lays on my lap and loves me no matter what! I miss having him curled up by my side at night. I miss his excited barks as I come home, even when I was only gone a while. I miss watching him stretch on the glass door begging to be let out so he can come see me! I miss how soft he is to pet, and how much he looks like a rat when you give him a bath. I miss chasing him around after the bath so I can feel how fluffy he is!

1.) I miss my family! My Mom, Dad, and sister. I miss being with them and spending time with them. I miss my mothers comfort, they way she will still hold me as we watch t.v. I miss my dads smiles and hugs and our talks we have while working on bikes. I miss my sister and how we do the dumbest things that entertain us. I love where I am in life, but I love my family more, and I'm very happy God gave me them.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

The Dorm Room


I finally came home and found what I needed to connect my camera to my computer! So I am Happy to say I have pictures of my dorm to post! I should tell you I have two covers for my bed, one is blue, and the other is brown and sage green. Very natural colors, easier to relax in! Right now I enjoy the blue, it reminds me of water. My roommate has a bit more bold colors going on. Hot pink! Plus almost every other color is on her striped cover. You can also see the table by my bed is neat, hers. . . not so much. Its alright, she keeps her mess on her side, and she cleans it often. I do wish I could paint my room, though I do believe it would create a fight for what colors. I kinda have a feeling she would paint it black, who knows. I think black would make our small space feel like a cell. I do like it though, the only thing I miss is privacy.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Wake Forest Coffee Company

It's One of those weekends I'm staying at the College. I'm doing the only thing I know to do..... go to the coffee house. Live music and such a variety of people it feels a little like a John Hughes film.

My Brothers friend has introduced him to a new musician by the name of Joanna Newsome, and for some reason I can't seem to get enough. The harp is smooth in contradiction to her harsh and shrill voice. I love it.

My week feels like it has lasted a whole month. It started with me having to sit through my three hour computer class alone. If anyone knows me they know I'm hopeless with a computer, I seem to stumble through a simple procedure with the grace of a hippo with a broken leg....

Some how I seem to make it work though.

Half the class is the lecture, and then the professor lets you decided wither you will stay and complete the assignment, or you can leave. I left. But not before the professor stops me to say with the most pitying look I have ever received "Go get some rest"

I was caught off by this, I always am. I have a firm belief that any comment that sounds remotely like "You look tired." Is a polite meaning for "You look terrible."

I turned to look him in the eye, knowing I must look pathetic and asked "Do I really look tired?"

The nodding head was enough to finish my good mood off for the day, It was over like Goldie Hawns youth. I can typically take these comments, however this certain type is my Achilles heel. I am glad I refuse to cry, though I felt some tears coming up.

While my week may not have started as smoothly as I would have wanted the middle was riddled with the constant running around that a college student is used to. Its this new hustle of life that has me stressed most. I'm still trying to come up with a good schedule so I wont feel like I'm fighting against a river.

I'm saying all this and I sadly I don't even have a job yet. I'm looking of course. I can't tell you how sad it is to be handed a job application and then told in a false apologetic tone that "I'm sorry while we are taking applications we are not hiring, but thank you and have a good day."

WHAT?!

As I walk away I can swear I hear the distinct ripping sound of paper, I can almost feel it.
Can you sue for false hopes?

The end of my week if mostly me making time for everything else except homework. I don't know why I avoid it so much, If only I did it as soon as it was assigned it would be so much easier, and I would have more time for the things I love to do.

Friday I had a blast with my brother! I really love being around him again. We messed around at his church watching The Office, who doesn't like this show?"

Then Jonathan called up a friend of his "Jay Jay" though I think I will call him "Jay". He plays the piano so wonderfully I could cry.

And so with Jonathan on the drums Jay on the piano, and me with a mic, we all seemed to bond over music!

Even more fun was the fact that Jay was into alot of the same music I was into. Never have I met anyone who loved Sigur Ros. We played Regina Spector songs, and Tori Amos, and I loved every second of it.

We are planning to sing at the College hosted "Coffee Shop" where the student life center gives free coffee and cheese cake plus live music. Hopefully all the strings will pull together and it won't fall through.

Time to leave, the live music while fun does not fit my mood well. As soon as I figure out my new camera I will post pictures of my dorm room, and the college.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

So Far

This is my first Blog entry...ever. I made this Blog "The Road She's On" to report my college life. I am starting my first semester at the college at Southeastern in Wake Forest North Carolina. Truth is so far nothing much has happened there. I tend to be a bit of a loner, not that I don't enjoy company, in fact I love people very much, but if left alone I'm really quite okay.

Well since this is about my life at college I will let you readers (if there are any ha ha) know that I will be majoring in Missions. Which I am very happy about. If fifteen years ago you would have asked me what I wanted to be when I grow up I would have said missionary/rock star.

College so far has given me a strange mix of grieve to be alone, excitement to be on my own, and a complete and overwhelming fear that I am not as smart as I like to think!

I live on campus, in the girls dorm. The buildings name is Lolley Hall -- very fitting I thought-- and its an old dorm but I really like it. I like that even when its snowing outside my roommate and I keep the window open because of the furnace that is room 201. I like that there is a hall full of amazing crazy wonderful girls that really make Lolley a special place to be. Of course Lolley has its downs but really there are way more ups, even if I don't always remember it. I am glad God allowed me to come to this school, I'm very blessed.