The Road that Leads Home

When I first left for college I thought I was making my first giant steps into adulthood. Now a year and a half later I am exactly back where I started. At this moment I am sitting on the floor of my parents living room watching the "Barefoot Contessa" chop vegetables and fresh herbs so smoothly it should be called The Food Porn Network. And Southeastern has just finished Spring Semester 2010, a semester that I could not attend. So here I am overlooking half of a year wondering who I am, and who I will be become, and seeing that the road I choose to leave home has, in the end, brought me back.

I am lucky to have this home to come to, parents more than willing to support me, and a church full of loving people. But this is not where I saw myself. I have discovered how weak and childish a person I am.

For years as a youth I struggled in silence with panic disorder. Almost becoming agoraphobic, I would instantly have a release of adrenaline as soon as I would leave my house. Grocery stores, Target, KOHLS, they all became feared places, and a crowded mall was like a death trap. Most fourteen year old girls adopt these places as a second home, I however couldn't bare the thought of it. I felt pathetic, and I allowed myself to act pathetic. I found freedom in riding my bike. All over the neighborhood. And music, I felt weightless when I was riding my bike, or listening to music. I even combined the two. It was long before iPods, so I took a little white battery powered radio and taped it between my handle bars. I remember listening to Coldplay's The Scientist while I leaned and flowed around curves. I felt like a butterfly.

I had to leave college because I was struggling, once again, with panic disorder. Now when I sit still I worry over what it has cost me. Today I took a ten mile bike ride, my iPod, secured by an amazing case and arm band, was there fueling me with music.

When I go back to college I will do it right. I will be healed, and prepared. And this time I will take my bike with me, just in case.

Black Tables

I find myself waiting, sitting on the edge of my seat. I don't know what I'm waiting for. I wish I were a million miles away sometimes, and other times I don't want to be anywhere else. It's not that I'm unhappy, but I think this is what growing truly feels like. I am here at home, a wonderful place to be, yet a part of me doesn't fit here anymore. Home hasn't changed, but I have.

Confessions of the Undated, Part Two

My life is not defined by any relationship I have, except my relationship with God. But it seems like there are harsh stigmas for any single female, especially, who is not constantly on the look out for "Mr Right" which seems to only allow us to find "Mr Right Now". There is nothing wrong with wanting a relationship with good godly man, but I do have problems when it becomes an obsession and an idol. Why, dear sisters and brothers, do we build untouchable expectations in our heads, and then feel devastated when our goals can't be reached? In the words of Adam Duritz song "Hard Candy"
"You put your girl up on a pedestal. Then you wait for her to fall."

Why are we making each other jump through hoops? Surely we should just approach each other as friends, brothers and sisters in Christ, and treat each other as Christ would treat us. Others first and ourselves last.

I know it's hard for us because we are taught by culture that we should "Do what is right for us!" but this Post Modern culture is also drowning in suicide statistics, murder statistics, rape statistics, and depression is being diagnosed younger and younger. We are NOT supposed to follow these foot steps, so why do we follow them in view of relationships?

A good friend recently gave me some of the best advice I have ever gotten in view of relationships, don't focus on feelings, focus on truth. All about taking minds captive and not letting our image of the perfect person, or even our imagination over analyzing every word and movement a person makes. If we look at the truth in the situation we keep ourselves in the moment, more able to be free and honest with the person, and we can more easily live!

You don't have to have a man or woman to live! Find love in God, family, and friends! Do something for someone who is a stranger, and show them love! Then the people around you! Never look back with regrets! Love God with a burning passion that is irreplaceable! Stop Waiting!!!! Start running!

The race started the day you were born and your still waiting for "Mr. Right" at the starting line! Run, run, run! Find people who encourage you to keep moving and run with them! Then perhaps one day you may realize you have found someone who wants to run right beside you! But remember they are not the goal of your life.

I myself am at the first steps of letting go and living, I am criminal with my expectations! I am also victim to my expectations, for myself and others. Expectations have a sly way of taking us from actively living into dreaming and waiting.

And as a last little note remember, you are not defined by your relationship status. Single does not mean you are unlovable, ugly, stupid, or any other lie you want to tell yourself. Marriage will not turn you into a picture perfect you. But despite all we are, we do have a love who battled a world of sin, and died for us, because he would rather die for us than be without us. Live for Him, he is more than enough.

Confessions of the Undated, Part One

"Enough already! I want off this Roller Coaster from Hades!"..... yeah that's pretty much exactly what my heart has been shouting for a month or more!

I will never be able to understand the amazing amount of abuse we humans allow ourselves to be put through! Most of which is inflicted by our own person!

Truthfully I wish my heart could come with a Handbook...no better yet "Amy's Emotional Survival Guide." Sounds wonderful doesn't it? A "How To" chapter for every possible situation! Alas, dear friends, we are not so fortunate, the way our hearts learn is through trial and error. Sometimes we have to be drug through gravel to learn.

To be completely open (which is honestly one of the hardest things for a compartmentalizer like me to do) I suck at relationships with guys! When I was young I suffered a fair amount of harassment from the opposite sex, my experiences shaped my adolescent mind to believe awful lies about men, myself, and God.

I was afraid to get too close to any male of any age, I was paranoid that every man must have horrible intentions if he was trying to be nice to me. My heart, without me realizing it, was slowly crippling.

As a child I had fantasized about becoming a woman who was beautiful and confident, and every Disney movie I had watched portrayed the classic story line of a wonderful fearless man who would be gentle and bold. As my young eyes soaked in every sweet and tender moment flashing before me I did not realize that even the best fairy tale has a villain. Innocent, naive, and hopeful with middle child syndrome (desperate for attention) that was me, a perfect target. I would blindly trust anyone, I hoped for the best in all people. As I finally began to grow into a young woman, I was ecstatic, this was what I had been waiting for! And just like Little Red Riding Hood it didn't take long for the wolves to emerge from the forest.

By the end of that battle I was so worn out and burdened I practically had PTSD, I couldn't let go, and I couldn't heal. I was afraid of everyone.I was rattled, like a lion in a cage being teased. It did not take long before I started to blame myself for how I had been treated. Even God became a victim of my stigma. He was "male" in my mind, and He let it happen. I was hurt. So at that point I couldn't trust men, myself, and then I closed the door to God too.

Lonely was easy, lonely was safe..... Yet it is not good for man to be alone. I couldn't find happiness in my loneliness. I began to see myself in such a horrible light. Worthless, who could ever see anything special or beautiful in me? Stupid, no one would ever care about what I had to say or what I thought. Ugly, no one saw anything lovely enough to take the proper time to uncover my heart.

So I accepted that I would be single, because if I couldn't find someone to really take care of the heart I was trying to give them then I would trust it to no one. So I took the first steps into the world of the Undated.

The Serenity Prayer

I am simply amazed at how many different ways a heart can be broken. A distant feeling between friends, the great unveiling of a lie, finding out the truth of how low other humans can be, and the heart breaks that hurt the most are the ones we do to ourselves. When we get caught up in a series of events that seem to be completely harmless, yet as the events unfold further and further we realize that we have led ourselves straight into just the type of situation we always dreaded.
I break my own heart constantly, by gaining my value in the value other people see in me. I care too much, and always end up getting burnt. I wish I could just shrug out of this skin of uncertainty and feel as light as air. The opinions of others seem to me like a personal chain from each person keeping me locked to the ground. Some chains are tight, some are loose, some are heavy, some are light, some made of petals, and some are made of thorns. Oh, how I wish I was free from caring! I miss confidence and certainty... I miss my unhindered smiles.
This world has broken my heart over and over, and so I gave mine to God long ago. Yet, every once and a while someone gets a piece of it. I opened up to a friend today, he said he could tell there was something wrong. I told him of a past mistake, one that had been almost forgotten, and then out of nowhere reared its head. When I was finished he admitted that he could tell there was much more buried deep inside. Of course there is, who doesn't?
I wish I could let go. I think anyone with any addiction needs to pray this prayer, it expresses almost perfectly what I desire.

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

Amie and the Car!

It amazes me how easily I forget about blogging! I promise to update and before I get home I completely forget! So first I would like to apologize to those I promised I would blog about Amie and the car and simply kept putting it off. Again I'm Sorry!

Amie and the Car! As I think about this amazing event I hardly know where to begin but, i think it would be best to give an introduction. I first saw Amie in Lolley Dorm where we lived. She was about the same height as I was, blond hair, and quiet. I greeted her often when we would pass, she was always polite, she would smile and say a quick "Hey Amy." before hurrying off to whatever was next on her schedule. I hardly saw her stand still, always hurrying somewhere, the only times I saw her not in motion was the rare occasion I would find her collapsed on one of the common rooms couches completely drained and dead asleep.

From the first few times I met Amie I knew she worked hard, probably harder then anyone else in the dorm. I wanted to get to know her. My roommate and I decided we wanted to invite some of the girls from the dorm to watch Hidalgo with us in our room. Amie was first on the list. I went right away to find her and another girl, Chelsea (who was just as quiet having only ever said to me "I like your glasses" ) I found Amy in the Common Room. She was grateful but sorry because she had to work that night. She then asked me to invite Chelsea.

"I want to but I can't find her." I said.

"Look in the computer room. I saw her there earlier." She answered.

I thanked her and went straight there to invite Chelsea. And as God could only plan a series of events to work out wonderfully I spent a few hours in the rain helping Chelsea "Pop the Lock" to her car door to get the keys that were locked inside.

There was an immediate connection of friendship between Chelsea and I, and I knew that night God had just given me a friend. Every meeting with Chelsea was a positive one! We were encouraging each other in tiny ways that meant so much to each other! She was teaching me so many things about faith, and the family of Christ; things I had not noticed, or simply just could not understand with my upbringing.

She began to open up about her family life, and that she seemed to always take care of herself, but God had always stepped in and provided. I was shocked! This wonderful person who was bright and loving, this girl who never whined or complained had every reason to be upset, yet she was still living as if she had never gone through a bad thing in her life. She had nothing, and yet she had so much more than everyone else.

So imagine my shock a few weeks later when she asked me for my opinion on how she should go about giving her car to Amie. I didn't even know Amie was without a car, and had to walk to work every night, as well as everywhere else! I told her to hold off on saying anything to Amie, that I would ask my dad what she needed to do, and to wait until I talked to him.

That same night I was overcome be the anxiety I had been battling with over school, Chelsea knew it, and she invited me to use the empty bed in her room. I did, and the next morning I found myself crying to her all my fears of failure and fears of rejection that comes with failure. She calmed me and prayed with me.

As I stated earlier I am constantly amazed at how God uses a long and tough series of events to bring about great things! My father knew I was hurting. He knew I needed to see him (I had been too behind to allow myself the joy of going home on weekends) even if it was only for a few hours. When I got his call I was in the middle of listening to his sermons online; sitting in a empty room with just my laptop, crying, and becoming more and more depressed, I just wanted to hear his voice.

"Guess where I am?" He said so happily I thought for sure he was teasing me about being somewhere we normally went together.

"Where?" I sniffed still trying to contain my tears.

"I just passed the Tower" Was his happy reply.

"Are you coming up here!?" I asked knowing "The Tower" was the half way point to Wake Forest and too scared to get my hopes up that he might not be coming, but he was!

My dad was on his way to see me, he knew I was struggling, and he was coming to encourage me. He drove to a local coffee shop that all the students frequent. He briefly met Chelsea, and then we drove to get lunch just me and my dad. As promised I asked him what Chelsea needed to do to give her car to Amy. His first thought had been the same one I had. "What will Chelsea use to get around in!?"

"Nothing, she is willing to walk. She says Amie could use the car more to visit her family." I said.

Then I told him some of what I knew about Chelsea, how she lived by faith knowing that God would provide for her.

"A man at church donated a car to the church to give to someone in need just this last week, lets give it to Amie so Chelsea can keep her car."

I fell apart! Immediately I began crying out to God thanking Him for providing for both my friends. We called Chelsea and told her that God had provided a way for her to keep her car and Amie could get a car for free. She called Amie and told her!

As my dad pulled up to the school to drop me off at the end of the day we looked up and saw Amie running across the campus towards us. As she got closer I saw that she was crying, she grabbed me and hugged me tightly, and then grabbed my father and hugged him as well.

"I did not think I would ever be able to get a car!"she exclaimed with tears in the corner of her eyes.

The weeks before had seemed so hard, and I felt so distant from God. I would pray "God where are you!? Have you left me!?" I had felt deserted, but God had been pulling together all the loose strings of the past few weeks slowly weaving them into a beautifully organized master piece.

While Chelsea had no clue that God was using her faith and willingness to serve others in such an amazing way, I too had no idea that my horrible fights with anxiety, and one of the biggest break downs I have ever been through would lead to one of the most fulfilling events I have ever been lucky to view. Even more amazing was that more and more people were being used to show the love of Christ through this car.

Amie's car is an old Buick Regal, and while it ran just fine, and drove smoothly it needed some cosmetic repairs: including a new wind shield which someone donated the money to pay for, a new head liner which a car interior expert put in with no charge, some minor mechanical fixes that my dad took care of, and a good scrubbin which a dear friend Mike took care of making sure the car sparkled like a new penny. The car looked great!

The day before we decided to deliver the car was Sunday, during the message my dad felt led to tell the church about the ministry of Christ that the car had turned into. The Holy Spirit moved through the church, person after person donated money to both Chelsea and Amie. I had many people empty their wallets to give whatever they had to them. I later wept at the generosity of God's people, their willingness to help and support my dear friends moved me deeply. I am still very grateful and still brought to tears when I think on it.

We left Sunday and drove straight there. When we arrived it was almost 9:00p.m. and Amie was walking to work. I called her and told her we were in town, we had her car, and we would love to have her join us for a late dinner. It was about 10:15pm when she and I made it to the restaurant. Dad showed her the car that was now hers. "Oh wow!" she said shyly. Then we sat down and told her we had something to give her from the people of our church, people that loved her and were praying for her. Dad handed her the money, and told her how much it was in all.

Amie is quiet and shy so I knew her reaction would be a sweet happiness. True to form she lowered her head and started to cry a little. Then she shocked us all by saying "This is the exact amount I was short for College tuition this year."

God was working and I was blessed to be a small part of it. I was blessed to personally see miracles happen, and needs being met by God. I needed to know He cared, and as always He proved Himself to me.

When the body of Christ joins together in harmony, when we hear the Holy Spirit speaking and we follow amazing things happen! The unthinkable gets accomplished right in front of our eyes. I want to thank my church family for being the hands and feet of Christ! Thank you for obeying the Holy Spirit! Thank you for praying for my friends! Because of your willingness to obey GREAT things have happened, and lives are changed for good! Thank you! I have been so blessed and ministered to just by seeing your love and faithfulness.

Even more importantly I want to make it known that NONE of this would have happened if not for God! He is our righteousness, and He is our provider! God help me if I doubt You again, but always remind me that You are here!

Keep Moving

Does it ever feel hard to keep moving? For me it is a feeling life has handed me many times.A good illustration would be the image of a building destroyed by fire. Hard times when you can't imagine picking yourself up and brushing off the ashes and moving on. When the heart feels so much pain and you realize the truth of what Heaven really means: no more heart ache, no more dealing with my sins, no more feeling the pain of a loved ones sin, and finally getting to dwell side by side with God, no more barriers between us.

I am finally able to breath again! The terrible feeling of drowning has slowly been taken away from me. It has been years since I have gone through such a hard time. I felt my heart breaking inside me, and the pain was just as physical as it was emotional. I could not sleep, I could not eat. I had no comfort.

At last I pulled myself from bed and went to my Bible. I held it close to my heart, I clung to it as if it were God himself. I held His word, words of comfort, love, wisdom, and warnings of trails. I knew I was holding written promises that I, being a child of God, would be taken care of. That no matter what My father LOVES me. Even in that moment, broken as I was; He also felt the hurt and the pain and the lose, He was with me, and I would be able to keep moving.

As I held my Bible to my heart and lay down in my bed I felt comfort. Warm and tender like a hug from a friend, with my Bible I slowly relaxed and gave my worries over to God, and at last I fell asleep.