Confessions of the Undated, Part One

"Enough already! I want off this Roller Coaster from Hades!"..... yeah that's pretty much exactly what my heart has been shouting for a month or more!

I will never be able to understand the amazing amount of abuse we humans allow ourselves to be put through! Most of which is inflicted by our own person!

Truthfully I wish my heart could come with a Handbook...no better yet "Amy's Emotional Survival Guide." Sounds wonderful doesn't it? A "How To" chapter for every possible situation! Alas, dear friends, we are not so fortunate, the way our hearts learn is through trial and error. Sometimes we have to be drug through gravel to learn.

To be completely open (which is honestly one of the hardest things for a compartmentalizer like me to do) I suck at relationships with guys! When I was young I suffered a fair amount of harassment from the opposite sex, my experiences shaped my adolescent mind to believe awful lies about men, myself, and God.

I was afraid to get too close to any male of any age, I was paranoid that every man must have horrible intentions if he was trying to be nice to me. My heart, without me realizing it, was slowly crippling.

As a child I had fantasized about becoming a woman who was beautiful and confident, and every Disney movie I had watched portrayed the classic story line of a wonderful fearless man who would be gentle and bold. As my young eyes soaked in every sweet and tender moment flashing before me I did not realize that even the best fairy tale has a villain. Innocent, naive, and hopeful with middle child syndrome (desperate for attention) that was me, a perfect target. I would blindly trust anyone, I hoped for the best in all people. As I finally began to grow into a young woman, I was ecstatic, this was what I had been waiting for! And just like Little Red Riding Hood it didn't take long for the wolves to emerge from the forest.

By the end of that battle I was so worn out and burdened I practically had PTSD, I couldn't let go, and I couldn't heal. I was afraid of everyone.I was rattled, like a lion in a cage being teased. It did not take long before I started to blame myself for how I had been treated. Even God became a victim of my stigma. He was "male" in my mind, and He let it happen. I was hurt. So at that point I couldn't trust men, myself, and then I closed the door to God too.

Lonely was easy, lonely was safe..... Yet it is not good for man to be alone. I couldn't find happiness in my loneliness. I began to see myself in such a horrible light. Worthless, who could ever see anything special or beautiful in me? Stupid, no one would ever care about what I had to say or what I thought. Ugly, no one saw anything lovely enough to take the proper time to uncover my heart.

So I accepted that I would be single, because if I couldn't find someone to really take care of the heart I was trying to give them then I would trust it to no one. So I took the first steps into the world of the Undated.