Beautiful Breakdown... Yeah Right.

Beautiful breakdown, whatever, more like sobbing woman with swollen red face! In all that has happened this Summer I have actually done well to keep my composure, believe it or not. I rarely cry, because crying doesn't accomplish anything, I'm a planner! I will make a list of things to do to correct the situation or get out of the situation, but not cry over useless petty feelings. Well not last night! Last night I hit the emotional wall! Lately I have been accepting of all the many things God has thrown my way, and though I'm willing and following Him I guess is was just time to mourn the sweeter parts of the plans I had lost. It didn't help that logging onto Facebook seemed to be a way for God to rub everything I didn't have in my face.

I knew this day would come, the day when my best friends would move into an apartment to live together. While I am very happy for them I felt bitter at not being apart of it. It was something I wanted so badly, and someone else would be sleeping in "my bed". I know they will decorate it and make it a beautiful wonderful home and I don't get to be there. Ah! I'm okay with being upset over this, because it is very natural, so don't judge me. Really though it was tough, but I vented my feelings to my amazing friend Bethany, and I found relief that she agreed and felt the same way! I am not sure if she knows it but while we were texting I was sobbing.

This summer has been really very tough. My grandmother has been diagnosed with Alzheime's disease, found out a day later that someone who I love dearly was in the hospital for attempting to O.D. plus everything else I have previously mention in my past few posts. I suppose I just needed to break down before God, and admit my anger to a friend. I am very blessed to have such wonderful people who love me, even though I'm a hundred miles away.

Living with my hands open to God is harder then I ever imagined, it means complete surrender to give up certain things I desire, and trust God to overcome my grief, anger, and faithlessness. I trust Him to provide what I need, but I would sometimes really love to know why He does what He does.