What Plans?

This is what I suppose I would call part three of the "plans series" and hopefully the last of the them. I want to finish these post because they have been weighting on my heart, just trying to let go I guess. Closure, how rare and wonderful you are. When I think back on this year I become defensive, and all to aware of the truth I'm practically broadcasting. The truth can often be offensive but that's not what I'm trying at, in fact I hope people who read this can understand me as a person more. That even though I live with anxiety doesn't make me an invalid, even though Satan often tells me I am. God knows I'm broken, He loved me as a fallen person to begin with and my struggles with anxiety did not take Him by surprise. This isn't about me looking for sympathy either, it's about a testimony. What God can do, and where God is taking me.

After almost ten years of following my idol (my plans) it was torment to be home. I felt like every day I spent at home was a day I was disappointing God. My focus was not on healing, it was on getting back to my goals, back on track with my plans. I often wondered why somethings were not improving. I even made new goals in order to bring about healing more swiftly. None of these goals came to fruition, instead I pulled further into myself and began to separate myself from the people I had left at school. I was jealous that they were at school achieving my goals but I was right back to where I had started. I was very ashamed of my anxiety and so when any of them asked why I was at school I would say "health issues" true but a cop out. I feared rejection, scorn, and even pity from any of them. In my mind is that perfect Amy I had imagined in sixth grade, I could never live up to her, but I would never admit her defeat over me. Well I admit it, I am defeated by the that picture perfect Amy. She has an amazing walk with God, is skinnier, more fit, knows how to dress, how to act, she can befriend anyone, she is more desirable to men, every woman on earth would be envious, she would command a room, intelligent, well read, brave, and every other desirable virtue. The Amy I sought to be was Jesus in the form of Amy. She wins, I can't compete with that. So I admit my competition in hopes that I can lay down the gloves and fight a battle worth fighting.

My loneliness was eased by my brother and sister in law moving three miles down the road. I had missed them terribly, would often tear up thinking about their little house that was my only refuge from dorm life. Jonathan took a three month job as guest youth pastor at our home church, and he immediately asked me to help. He and Chelsea were even going to go along with the youth to their summer camp Centrifuge at Carson Newman, when a girl dropped out last minute I was asked to go as an adult leader. I built relationships with students, amazing girls. I felt apart of something bigger then I was, I was experiencing the feelings I expected to feel at college serving youth at camp.

I don't really know how to explain my encounter with God, it's not like the clouds parted and the sun blazed and a voice said... It was more like a gradual revelation through time in scripture. The week was based on defining moments and I was having one. God was showing me that our plans were not big enough for Him, through Abraham's story. It seemed as if God was showing me that He didn't need my plans. The way I was apart of a ministry to the girls, doing work for Him far from Southeastern. Then by watching the examples of the staff at the camp. It kept growing too, and as I listened to God it seemed that He spread light onto the dark areas of my heart. My hidden idol came into view, at first I denied it. How could my plans be an idol? I realized how much I depended on my plans. They were good things I had turned into my salvation, looking to them in hard times instead of my Father. Slowly I began to let them go. Jonah's story made me consider my inability to let God lead. Then the camp director Carrie told how she had other plans but God took over and brought her to Fuge. Then there was the worship track leader Seth Medley, told his testimony, how God took away a talent and replaced it with another. His testimony helped me see that this last year had not taken God by surprise. I wasn't derailing my future, or my service to God. I wasn't useless because of anxiety, when He called me He knew the day it would come.

Now that I'm home I am daily reminding myself of these truths, trying to walk in them. My plans are pointless if they are my god. In all that happens my God is greater. I will miss living among my great friends at Southeastern, but that just means I will have to work harder at staying in touch.

I want my hands to be open in everything to God, holding nothing back for myself. Not my future, not my family, and not my love, I want it all to be His. Open to Him to give and to take, and content in it all.