I am lucky to have this home to come to, parents more than willing to support me, and a church full of loving people. But this is not where I saw myself. I have discovered how weak and childish a person I am.
For years as a youth I struggled in silence with panic disorder. Almost becoming agoraphobic, I would instantly have a release of adrenaline as soon as I would leave my house. Grocery stores, Target, KOHLS, they all became feared places, and a crowded mall was like a death trap. Most fourteen year old girls adopt these places as a second home, I however couldn't bare the thought of it. I felt pathetic, and I allowed myself to act pathetic. I found freedom in riding my bike. All over the neighborhood. And music, I felt weightless when I was riding my bike, or listening to music. I even combined the two. It was long before iPods, so I took a little white battery powered radio and taped it between my handle bars. I remember listening to Coldplay's The Scientist while I leaned and flowed around curves. I felt like a butterfly.
I had to leave college because I was struggling, once again, with panic disorder. Now when I sit still I worry over what it has cost me. Today I took a ten mile bike ride, my iPod, secured by an amazing case and arm band, was there fueling me with music.
When I go back to college I will do it right. I will be healed, and prepared. And this time I will take my bike with me, just in case.
