I break my own heart constantly, by gaining my value in the value other people see in me. I care too much, and always end up getting burnt. I wish I could just shrug out of this skin of uncertainty and feel as light as air. The opinions of others seem to me like a personal chain from each person keeping me locked to the ground. Some chains are tight, some are loose, some are heavy, some are light, some made of petals, and some are made of thorns. Oh, how I wish I was free from caring! I miss confidence and certainty... I miss my unhindered smiles.
This world has broken my heart over and over, and so I gave mine to God long ago. Yet, every once and a while someone gets a piece of it. I opened up to a friend today, he said he could tell there was something wrong. I told him of a past mistake, one that had been almost forgotten, and then out of nowhere reared its head. When I was finished he admitted that he could tell there was much more buried deep inside. Of course there is, who doesn't?
I wish I could let go. I think anyone with any addiction needs to pray this prayer, it expresses almost perfectly what I desire.
The Serenity Prayer
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.
--Reinhold Niebuhr
